Sad Blue Eyes

Another group therapy session that starts with a depressing comment as to why people feel the need to kill themselves. Opening up is the best therapy they say while I'll just feel like "why are you not going to kill yourself after going through your life like that". I guess that is where I need to rethink and refocus myself on the positives.

While we were sharing our life experiences, in walks a new member to the group who was transferred from another institution due to financial reasons. Long dark hair with a slender frame like someone who hasn't eaten in months looking down on the floor while filling up an empty chair. She would look up every once in awhile to show acknowledgement of any life. Finally it came for her turn to speak and she looked at everyone with sad blue eyes opening her pale looking lips.

New Girl: I'm Sandra.
Everybody in the room: Hi Sandra.
Sandra: I made a pact with my best friend to kill ourselves together.
.......................................

Sandra: I survived.

Blocks

It's been a couple months now and they have placed me here. When I say they I mean Maria. She says that its the best thing right now. How could this be any better? Being with people who had gone through the same shit as you just amplifies the fact that you had gone through that shit. I think she just thinks this is a good idea as how the world sees fit plus it gets me off her hands.

Its the beginning of another day with highly medicated therapy, the sun was out but I wouldn't have noticed it. Perhaps living like this now is how I can see myself for the next decade. Looking into a mirror I see an image of myself, or at least what is left of it. These guys around me seems to be the same. A body without a face. Aimlessly walking around trying to find answers for our own paths.

I was in my bed looking at the ceiling when Maria pops in.

Maria: Hey, how are you feeling?
Allen: I am.
Maria: Good. At least you're realizing something.
Allen: Whatever works.
................................................

We walked outside through the park making small talk. Mostly to smoke.

Maria: So you wanna tell me what happened that night?
Allen: Not much did since you guys brought me here.
Maria: We were saving you.
Allen: I didn't need saving. I was gonna die young. Living rock and roll.
Maria: Your too old to die young.
Allen: Fuck.
......................................................................................................

Payung Lutsinar

Take a deep breath and look outside to see the rain. Drenched. I guess this time of the year what more can you expect. Perhaps its just the cycle of year. Perhaps it's more than that. Regardless this is not the thing I wanted to talk about, but it made for a mellow intro. Ha ha.

Perception, illusion and assumption. All dangerous in their own way and with the now globalized world, these three words become more powerful than ever. With communication between a community a "click a way" (they say) we are becoming more and more distant even if it looks like we are closer now than then. If that made any sense at all then I am sure you might get what I will be trying to say. Ha ha.

Being a human being in this day and age especially as a generation that will steer the country forward we are no longer separated by six degrees.There seems to be pressure for everyone to be connected with one another. Although this can be seen as something positive where people are more united than ever but if the three words mention above becomes the cloud that surrounds us, it will be the crack in the armor of unity. (How cheesy is that?)

My decision not to be too involved in the technological advancement probably have separated me from many acquaintances but it has never come without reasons. People's perception of me does not bother me that much (meaning to say yes it bothers me) but don't let it be what defines me. This seems more and more like a rant. I guess it is.

Perhaps the rain has effected me more than I would admit it had.

Value

Most of the times when you think it is that obvious, it surely is.

Awaken

Eyes blurry. Barely able to see what's happening. Everything is turning white. Am I dead? Again there was a loud shouting of "Clear!" with sounds of electricity charging. I was slowly beginning to regain consciousness. Slowly but surely the white background turns into shapes. Some shadows emerge.

Just when colors begin to fill up the surroundings, a white pasty hand swung across my face. Slap!

Allen: What the hell?
Maria: Good your up.

She starts slapping me again and again.

Maria: You son of a bitch! Wake up! You can't die now. Why are you doing this?
Allen: What the hell is wrong with you?

Tears falling from her face as she reduces the force of the slap eventually.

I have awoken onto a bed that seemed vaguely too familiar to be recognize as my own. Now attached to some kind of robotic device dripping down blood.

Allen: Okay fine I won't. I'm up. Stop yelling. Your voice is all nasally, it's annoying.
Maria: Asshole.
Allen: Well that was uncalled for.
Maria: Only assholes slit their wrists.
Allen: I thought it would be easier and melodramatic and stuff.
Maria: Fuck you.
......................................................................................................

Somebody Else

The room filled with people chatting away. Mostly white walls covered with paintings and pictures spaced apart to make them look more stand out. Perhaps this was the main reason why an art piece looks better in a gallery than it would on your house wall. Marketing.

There she was with a champagne glass in one hand nodding to the nonsense that the guy in front of her was talking about. French art perhaps. Maybe too stereotypical of a black t-shirt wearing guy with a beret. Marketing.

All I can think about was how her hair swerves flawlessly while nodding. It has been 4 years and I have seen that long soft hair grown itself from a bob. I gave a tap on her shoulder just to notify that I was there. She turned around showing me her beautiful light green eyes that when people talk about going green, this is what they meant. Her face gave an expression of confusion and of shock. Not in the good way.

Carmen: What are doing here?
Allen: For you.
Carmen: What?

................................................

Carmen: You're not suppose to be here! (after review by ieraLEE...haha)
Allen: What do you mean? I'm here for you and this is the response.
French Dude: Who's this?
Carmen: This is Allen whose not suppose to be here.
French Dude: Oui.

..................................................

She took me by the hand and dragged me away from the french dude who was twirling his mustache that he seemed to have grown during their conversation.

Carmen: Look, your not suppose to be here. Go back home.
Allen: Why? I'm here.
Carmen: Because its not your time.
Allen: What? What do you mean.
Carmen: Its just not your time yet. Go back home Allen. People are waiting for you back home.
Allen: Who? What people? What are you talking about?

.......................................................

Sounds of rubber souls on white marble flooring like players changing directions on a basketball court.

White uniformed guy: Clear!

6th Drive

The Last stop before arriving back in London was the Bicester Village outlet. Not much to say other than shopping? Ha ha. Also awkwardly met a friend of my mom whom I've met when I was in the States which if you know by now is awkward for me and not anybody else. Did not snap much pictures as not much to see really as well as in London itself as more shopping done than sight seeing.

Sight seeing? Really?

One of few snaps

And Finally the reason "we" all went there in the first place.

5th Drive

A day after having been to Scotland (finally) we track our way down back to London. Of course it was not a straight drive down as we had stops in Oxford, Sherwood in Nottingham, and York. We actually hadn't plan to go to these stops except for the Sherwood forest. By now my parents was also under the weather which meant that driving long distance was not much of an option. The rain was almost non existent by now but the wind was still picking up.

The University town

The forest

And York (taken from a rooftop car park)

Would have place a bit more pictures but I don't know how to rotate the pictures through this blog and have not bothered finding out. (typical...pffft.)

4th Drive

The next day we arrive at our north most destination for the whole trip which was Edinburgh. Not so much had changed weather wise and also with my health but luckily the rain stopped as we arrived at the Edinburgh Castle. My brother had internet connection using his phone so we got tickets on the spot through online halfway through waiting in the line. I wen with the walking guide while the others went by themselves because they couldn't been bothered to wait for the tour. Ha ha. We stayed at the castle for about an hour plus and then went walking along the Royal Mile where we got a bite to eat and snapped some pictures in front of the coffee shop that J. K. Rowling frequented during the making of her potter books.

Inside the castle

Along the Royal Mile

The Elephant House

3rd Drive

And so the journey continues north bound with stop at Cumbria. The Lake district to be exact and by this time I was down with fever and flu and everything else. It was raining most of the ways and I felt like the weather. We could not enjoy much of the scenery due to the bad weather but we, like most other days, made the most of it. As we arrived at Windermere our first stop was the World of Beatrix Potter attraction. A famous children's author that did not fill my childhood. Ha ha. Then cruised along the lake district stopping by at the pier and finally head to a travelodge nearby.

The World of Beatrix Potter attraction

Both were along the lake.

Some parts of the pier.

Windermere

2nd Drive

The following day we head further north to Liverpool. The drive was planned so that each stop wouldn't have been that far off from one another. Arriving in Liverpool itself wasn't so hard, but there was a mix up when trying to find the pace we were heading towards within Liverpool that proved the hassle. The sun was out this time but windy as hell. At the Albert Dock went to the Beatles story exhibit and also the maritime museum. Which my friends and me debated due to the lack of free entering museums in Malaysia. Ha ha. Stopped by a mall in the Liverpool area for lunch where we got our first taste of the Olympics when a group of dancers that will be in the ceremony gave a performance. Before finally heading for the travel lodge, stopped by Anfield stadium just to get people back home jealous. Ha ha. For that reason alone it was worth it. Ha ha.

The Albert Dock

In your face! Ha ha.

1st Drive

The driving began as we head north bound towards Scotland. For obvious reasons we had more than one stop before arriving in Scotland a few of days later. Up first in a familiar rainy day in parts of the UK was the Stonehenge where most of the tourist arriving there was probably thinking in the same line as I was "those stones aren't that tall in real life". That said, it was still a sight to behold. Then there was the Swindon outlet which has been a main stay every time we go to the UK and lastly stopped at Stratford Upon Avon where as people would know (I didn't) was the birthplace of Shakespeare.

Imagining zombies walking slowly towards some piece of well organised rocks.

From afar. (like duh)

Take that puasa!

This was the closest we could get to one another. Ha ha.

Cameron Highlands anyone?

One of many shops I "looked around"

Landing

It's already past halfway through Ramadan and I still can't fix back my sleeping schedule. Not that working odd hours ever helps. Now that I'm starting back mornings its a big ask to just get some snooze time. This would have never happened during Uni years (not really, but trying to dramatize the situation ha ha).

As per previous post, I have hinted at getting images in this blog mostly to distract myself from writing a horribly melodramatic post. Anyway, my family and I (minus my sis) went to my brother's graduation. It was for 11 days (not the convo though ha ha). The first day was not much hassle, we landed sometime in the afternoon and head straight to my brother's rented house after picking up the car. Didn't do much of anything on the first day really. Which was no surprise considering the driving ahead, but I did get comfy infront of the TV. Once a couch potato, *almost* always a couch potato. Ha ha.

Not my brother's rented house. But let's just say that it looks similar shall we.

At the front of the house while waiting for someone to open the door, because surprise, surprise, my brother didn't bring along the key.

Picture of the car. Not for continuity purpose. Ha ha.

This is the house though. But from the inside. Ha ha.

Dodgy grass

So as I sit here after a "thank god its an off day" day, I am reminded that it is the father's day weekend. Or is it actually father's day (I am not too sure). While my parents is out having perhaps a father's day dinner out with my sis whose just gone into uni, I am sitting here trying to indulge myself before tomorrow's impending sorrows. (I am quite the optimist as I've been told).

Now before you go "you're not out with your dad on father's day?", know that I did have this mutual day out yesterday as a father-son bonding of sorts by smashing with anger at tiny white spherical entities. Where we did such activities is what I actually wanted to point out. We went to a golf course that got me started in the first place.

Have you been to a place that when you were little you thought the world off but now you just solely think its crap. Like how when you were little you felt that the playground you went to was huge but when you grew older you can see that its freakishly tiny and lame? Well that golf course took me to those fantastic little notion. Perhaps because of its lack of maintenance or perhaps I was mostly high during that time, but whatever it was, its RM50 wasted. Ha ha. We were actually looking forward to going there because of the rate it offered, but by perhaps the 10th hole I said to my dad, "for this lot RM50 is bloody expensive". (Yes, in that snobbish British accent). I could say that because I wasn't paying for the game. If I was, I would not have been there.

I know this story seems to just point out that I'm a dick, but, I can't complaint cause I think that too. Ha ha.

A pinch of nostradamus

I just wonder whether (if any) the direction of this particular blog is what I would have imagined it to be. I guess you can never really know. Its just that there is a sense of a shift in not only the writing style (doubtful) but also the tone that it has portrayed. Of course I would love to write more, but a lot have taken place that makes it a bit difficult. This post is somehow just an excuse for myself to myself really. I am hoping that I can finally click publish to some of my post without thinking too much, but in the near future I might also be doing a bit of a fairly new ground of writing for myself which will involve a bit more pictures which probably my old self (and a large portion of my current self) loathe. Lets keep it going then.

Bio paper 3

Dunia kelihatan Biru jika, dan hanya jika, engkau lihat dunia ini Biru.


Dunia kelihatan Merah jika, dan hanya jika, engkau lihat dunia ini Merah.


Dunia kelihatan Hijau jika, dan hanya jika, engkau lihat dunia ini Hijau.


Penglihatan manusia berbagai. Hipotesis-hipotesis ini kebarangkalian subjektif. Seseorang itu boleh menggunakan hipotesis-hipotesis ini untuk diuji atau menggunakannya untuk menguji.


Perbezaannya adalah engkau dan aku.

Rainy season

If ever normality was in the picture.

 Wallpaper anybody?

 What was at first an impromptu shot became a terrible impression of Morrissey. Ha ha.

Dirty Pop

Maybe change is a bit too much for awhile. Perhaps. It kinda occurred to me while watching Justin Beiber's Never Say Never movie on HBO. Yes. Justin Beiber's movie. The obvious misconception is that I am all "indie" and listen to mostly unheard of songs, but this does not mean I like Justin in any way (or how a 5 year old in the late 90's would say "na'ah"). I am really not sure why I needed to state any of those things but I guess when I watched the movie I realized that there is some sort of revival coming back.

I know that the view is everything is cyclical. What goes around comes around they say. Even though I don't like Justin's music (this is prejudice due to the fact that I don't listen to it at all) I think I understand the significance of him in the music world. The fanaticism that comes with him is our generation's Beatlemania or if your the "i go for local", KRUmania. Ha ha. I remember buying an N'SYNC album after giving away the first one (can't seem to remember why in the first place).

The revival of pop has made for reactions by the Asian contingent through the K-pop wave. This then made for the British dips in the pool of pop. This is all my theory but it makes for a good excuse for the movie doesn't it? Like it or not, what pop brings to the table is a sense of youthfulness and optimism. Most popular pop songs are about the optimism in life. Yes pop has seen changes in terms of its sound but pop is still pop. We do need a little bit of sugary sweet once in awhile I guess. Now I know there's still some issues about the resemblance I am making with Beatlemania and what Justin is doing now, but if you look back Beatlemania started at the very beginning of their careers where they were mostly singing pop songs and had a strict look they needed to portray. I guess it has always been like that as it was with the King of Pop when he starred in the Jacksons.

As always I have no idea whatsoever as to why I am typing all this but I think it will make sense someday in hindsight.

The Big Bang

With a new view (hopefully), I am starting a fresh this year. After what transpired within the course of 2 years I think its best I consider an overhaul. This came after a talk with a beauty expert while my friend was having his facial. Although the expert was talking more about an overhaul of the hair structure, I kinda took it to a new holistic level.

I guess I have started the first phase without it being an official starting point. I'm looking forward to whats coming up in the future.

Four

I think moving forward is always key in anything you do. Of course I have always been a person who champions nostalgia but change is what is needed. Perhaps its not just my choice in changing of lifestyle, most notably now, my eating habits. Lets just hope I have found some inspiration that will bring forth this new view on life. An added note would be that this blog will become more open in terms of privacy but of course I will always have my limits. So upgrade your internet connections as pictures are coming. Ha ha ha.

Concealed & Caged

Do I look and think about the past? Of course. I always do, and it will never run out of my system of existence. There are lots of things that I could write about in these blank white pages but I know that deep down it will only hurt me more than anything else.

I guess, I am my own anti-therapist.

Insane notions

I've wondered why I haven't been writing (again) after all this while and until now there is no actual reason why. Perhaps its the lack of ideas and inspiration, perhaps its because of the complex or lack of complex life I live in, but whatever it is I'm not writing as much as I used to.

Living my life now and looking back at what I've done of course you would say you could have done things differently but I have never regretted the things I have done and or I haven't done (of which I am trying to reduce). Leap of faith is always needed I think. I guess I want to have a point where I go back in time and talk to my own self where I tell about my life and realize how much I have grown in a holistic nature. Just need to fix some kinks on the time machine. Maybe I need to estimate the quantum effects to lead a measurable violations of the null energy condition. But that's just a small matter. Ha ha.

If you have any idea on what it is I am trying to say, congrats. You must have a Phd. Perhaps you can tell me as I don't know myself.

When reality speaks

Aku di kedai makan yang dibuka 24 jam sehari bersama rakan seperjuangan. Kedai dipenuhi manusia-manusia berbilang bangsa dan umur. Tetapi seperti biasa mereka berumur dilingkungan awal 20-an mendominasi ruang makan ini.

Meja dan kerusi yang diperbuat daripada aluminum ini membuat aku memikirkan tentang efisyensi untuk membasuh persekitaran. Pekerja kedai makan ini sudah pon mengambil pesanan makananku. Rakanku meminta roti bakar 1set dan teh tarik. Buat masa ini aku tidak begitu pelik kerna aku hidup dengan manusia-manusia yang order seperti ini.

Aku pandang beliau dan berkata "roti je?". Hanya sebagai satu tolakan untuk menghasilkan momentum perbualan kearah yang berlainan kerna beliau bertanya tentang diriku. "A'ah, aku nak diet. Resolution aku tahun ini is to diet," beliau menjawap.

Jawapan diet itu tidak membuatkan aku terkejut, apa yang mengejutkan adalah beliau mempunyai resolusi tahunan. Aku malas mahu bertanya tentang peratusan sukses resolusi tahunan beliau sebelum ini tetapi aku boleh mendapat gambaran. Anggaran aku paling tinggi 70 peratus.

Sambil aku menghabiskan makananku beliau memandangku sambil minum teh tarik. Tiada suara yang dilontarkan ke arahku. Buat seketika dunia senyap. Beliau mengarahkan mata ke kiri dan kanan seperti budak nakal yang ingin membuat sesuatu dan melihat jikalau ada mata memandang.

Beliau mengangkat tangan dan memanggil pekerja kedai itu untuk memesan minuman. "Satu lagi teh tarik." Pekerja itu mengangguk dan berjalan menghala ke dapur. Rakanku kelihatan masih lagi kurang puas dan menjerit "nasi lemak ayam satu bang."

20 peratus.

Glaucous

I choked during the meeting. Yeah they wanted me in their label but they haven't made any concrete decision on where it was going. The contract was as if nothing happened. The only difference being that I couldn't get out there much. How could it go right? I couldn't get things in my head out for awhile during the meeting. Things just got too complicated too soon.

After the meeting called up Daisy and Mark to tell them everything like I normally do. They gave me space to talk and just nodded to most of the things that was coming out of my mouth. Which wasn't much considering what had happened. Not once was the meeting mentioned. I guess that it was no where near my mind at that moment in time, or ever. After my exhausted my time on the floor, they began to give feedback's. Now their feedback are the stuff of legends. Imagine Simon Cowell during the first few season's of AI, because, well he went all mushy after that.

After digesting everything's that has happened Mark had the terribly brilliant idea to find me a date to the wedding to show off because he had a few friends he could matched me with.I said I wasn't too sure about the idea since there was no one else after her. Plus with the fact that I immerse too much in my work to had any time for anyone else hence the fact I have only two friends still standing. He persistently insisted and I willingly obliged in the end.

I couldn't turn down a sales personnel from the fashion industry now would I? Daisy didn't just back down and also insisted with matching me up with some of her friends who, like Daisy, are also in the photography industry. If at all there was a time for me to "accidentally" shoot myself, now was the time.