Cozy weird

The coolness of the breeze is a good way to start my morning breakfast at this quite little restaurant. The warmth you get from familiarity. With a hot cuppa, I start digging into the highly unhealthy nasi lemak. Basic in its amenities, its no frills approach has never bothered me especially since it has felt like ages since the last time I ate something homey.

A balding middle aged man walked into the empty restaurant and sat right in front of me. With his pencil thin mustache and thinner lips, he gave a slight smile while managing to pull up his hand to give a semi wave. "Even though this would be considered as a small restaurant but with at least hundreds of other chairs and table, or so it seemed, why did he had to choose one in front of me?", I thought to myself while trying to conjure up something similar to a smile.

"I have never seen you around before? Are you new around this area?" the man asked. This, I thought, is where my multitasking skill is put to the test. "Yeah I guess. Waiting for friends." I replied. "Just nod and smile god-dammit!" I was thinking to myself. This bore-fest might take awhile. All this done with my phone on the other hand texting "Where are u guys?!!!!!!". This guy can go on and on talking. Finally a reply was received, "15 more minutes" which I replied myself by saying "u said that half an hour ago....". This is not looking good. Its probably how POW's feel like while getting interrogated.

After probably 15 minutes worth of nodding and smiling the man finally caved and went quite. Mental victory!!! Membrane high-fives!! After finishing my breakfast I was ready to head out when I heard a familiar laugh. A slight hyena like laugh or was the lion king not a documentary? There he was at the table outside having a fag with Daisy trying not to show any sense of how hard they were laughing.

"Where were you guys? How long have you guys been here?". Mark casually answered back while puffing out smokes "about 20 minutes ago." I was infuriated. "Why didn't you guys come in? Don't you know how I hate social interactions with gleeful human beings?? I think its my face, I need to have that " I'm gonna slit your throat face".

They both replied simultaneously "of course we do".

Fuck.  

Anger Repelant

Every once in awhile you think to yourself why am I here? Injustices have been pushing every button imaginable these past months. Patience is a virtue they say. Perhaps. But sometimes its days like these when you ask yourself why.

Running Sideways

I thought about whether I am self aware of my surroundings. Whether I am in my reality and not over analyzing certain fragments of my life. It is daunting to think that with each passing days 24 hours have come and left us. They say that time flies when your having fun. I believe that saying is irrelevant nowadays. Perhaps its just me thinking that I am just here standing still while there a billions of Usain Bolts running around me. Highly unlikely even if mankind have found ways of perfect cloning. Whatever it is, here's hoping for the best.

1am?

Sebelum hari natal baru-baru ini aku menghadiri kenduri kahwin makcik aku. Sudah menjadi satu perkara normal apabila aku ditanya soalan-soalan wajib di majlis-majlis sebegini. Sudah pasti bukan soalan-soalan yang aku mahu menjawap.

Pak cik: Ni ada production team tengah cari orang untuk jadi pengacara rancangan kanak-kanak. They need a fluent speaker. Hilmi ko pergi audition la.

Aku pandang beliau fikirkan seperti cliche drunk uncle at weddings. Tapi beliau dengan muka stoic pandang kearahku seperti terfikirkan itu satu cadangan yang munasabah malah hebat daripada beliau.

Pak cik: Eh kejap, they are looking for people between 18-23 years old.

Fuck.

And they wonder how I get my dark sense of humor. Heh.

Selamat Tahun Baru.

Sad Blue Eyes

Another group therapy session that starts with a depressing comment as to why people feel the need to kill themselves. Opening up is the best therapy they say while I'll just feel like "why are you not going to kill yourself after going through your life like that". I guess that is where I need to rethink and refocus myself on the positives.

While we were sharing our life experiences, in walks a new member to the group who was transferred from another institution due to financial reasons. Long dark hair with a slender frame like someone who hasn't eaten in months looking down on the floor while filling up an empty chair. She would look up every once in awhile to show acknowledgement of any life. Finally it came for her turn to speak and she looked at everyone with sad blue eyes opening her pale looking lips.

New Girl: I'm Sandra.
Everybody in the room: Hi Sandra.
Sandra: I made a pact with my best friend to kill ourselves together.
.......................................

Sandra: I survived.

Blocks

It's been a couple months now and they have placed me here. When I say they I mean Maria. She says that its the best thing right now. How could this be any better? Being with people who had gone through the same shit as you just amplifies the fact that you had gone through that shit. I think she just thinks this is a good idea as how the world sees fit plus it gets me off her hands.

Its the beginning of another day with highly medicated therapy, the sun was out but I wouldn't have noticed it. Perhaps living like this now is how I can see myself for the next decade. Looking into a mirror I see an image of myself, or at least what is left of it. These guys around me seems to be the same. A body without a face. Aimlessly walking around trying to find answers for our own paths.

I was in my bed looking at the ceiling when Maria pops in.

Maria: Hey, how are you feeling?
Allen: I am.
Maria: Good. At least you're realizing something.
Allen: Whatever works.
................................................

We walked outside through the park making small talk. Mostly to smoke.

Maria: So you wanna tell me what happened that night?
Allen: Not much did since you guys brought me here.
Maria: We were saving you.
Allen: I didn't need saving. I was gonna die young. Living rock and roll.
Maria: Your too old to die young.
Allen: Fuck.
......................................................................................................

Payung Lutsinar

Take a deep breath and look outside to see the rain. Drenched. I guess this time of the year what more can you expect. Perhaps its just the cycle of year. Perhaps it's more than that. Regardless this is not the thing I wanted to talk about, but it made for a mellow intro. Ha ha.

Perception, illusion and assumption. All dangerous in their own way and with the now globalized world, these three words become more powerful than ever. With communication between a community a "click a way" (they say) we are becoming more and more distant even if it looks like we are closer now than then. If that made any sense at all then I am sure you might get what I will be trying to say. Ha ha.

Being a human being in this day and age especially as a generation that will steer the country forward we are no longer separated by six degrees.There seems to be pressure for everyone to be connected with one another. Although this can be seen as something positive where people are more united than ever but if the three words mention above becomes the cloud that surrounds us, it will be the crack in the armor of unity. (How cheesy is that?)

My decision not to be too involved in the technological advancement probably have separated me from many acquaintances but it has never come without reasons. People's perception of me does not bother me that much (meaning to say yes it bothers me) but don't let it be what defines me. This seems more and more like a rant. I guess it is.

Perhaps the rain has effected me more than I would admit it had.