Hyperspeed

If humans had superpowers, they wouldn't become superheroes.

Stolen Dance

"It's okay Mark. I don't think I need to meet new people." I tried saying to him.
He was basically non existent in the conversation or whatever this was. He seemed busy scanning through the mounds of people surrounding this huge property.

While resuming your normal small talk, Mark called aloud "Emma". I just took more sips of my drink. A tall skinny girl walked up to us. She had a wavy brunette hair with hazel eyes. A blue dress with beige platforms. Weird. Mark started the introduction. "Sam, I want you to meet Emma. She will also be joining Josh in that upcoming movie." "Ah I see. Nice to meet you." I responded as getting out a hand to shake.

"I have heard so much about you." she started saying.
"Oh. I'm sorry, but I can't say the same for you." instinctively responded.

I have long forgotten how to care. We started talking on her background. I was sure that was a good way to lead the conversation. With every sentence I was trying to find keywords to get out of it. How come the more the people are at one particular place in time, the more awkwardly lonely one get?

"So what new stuff you've done recently?" she asked.
"Nothing really. Just reviewing other people's work most of the time. The rest of it is spent trying to get my head around the idea that I am here" I replied.
"That sounds cool. Why don't you start doing some superhero stuff. Seems to be getting good responses." she said trying to convince the notion.

"Can I just stab her or shoot her or something?"
"No. You know that is not something that is accepted."

I just nodded and smiled.

Snap out of it

After some time readjusting my vision I realized that I am just sitting in mall parking lot in the middle of the city. The phone rang. It was Mark. I knew this as the song Psycho Killer played whenever he called. Aptly chosen, I thought.

"Where are you?" he was asking while I tried to be fully aware of my surrounding.
"I am somewhere." I answered.
"Well Josh is having this party up at his house. Come now, no excuse." he said trying to convince me.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." I replied reluctantly.

So on I went to Josh's who has a house on top of a hill that overlooked the city. This is where all the rich people lived. The kind of people that they are not worried where their next paycheck comes in or when for that matter. The ones whose problems involves talking about jargon that no normal person could decipher and yet still a bitch ain't one. The one percent.

Two building connected by a corridor and a pool in the middle. Everybody else were already nearing the pool with drinks in hand. Some are even in the pool itself which is surround by lush greens. As one would go to the end of the plot, one would be welcomed by a beautiful view of the city skyline. With the moon up shining. Reflections of a city that never sleeps and yet its inhabitants do anything but.

Mark came to me with a drink. "Here you go." as he hands it to me. "Look at the view eh." making small talk. "Yeah I guess. Seems a bit crowded though." I lazily replied. "Yeah, Josh just got news that he got the role for that superhero movie, and you know how that goes financially" Mark explained. "Yeah. So I've heard." trying to reply with enthusiasm. "Look, I've asked you to come because I want you to meet a friend of mine." he continued. "Oh." my only response.

This doesn't sound good.  

 

Stub out

Wheels spinning on the tarmac, as light rain descent onto the earth. It was a windy night that seems out of place for a country like this. Even so I have my windows down enjoying as the wind whispers into the night. I light a cigarette just because. Strolling at night through the concrete jungle of the city. Skyscrapers high with glass windows covering the exterior reflecting the night lights surrounding the area. The full moon is out giving more light to the night sky.

New Order softly plays in the background as I am cruising at not more than 60 km/hour. At this late night no cars are on the road currently where during the day the roads seemed more like a big parking lot than a place where cars stream through. Even the traffic lights seemed to have agreed with my midnight stroll, as one by one turned green. All seemed to not matter as I barely knew where I was. Just driving following the track in front of me, not knowing where to go. It wouldn't have mattered much. Not today.

"So you have started smoking again" she said as I puffed one more toxic induced smoke into the air.

I quickly put out the cigarette by clumsily crushing the burning end on the side of the car. Or so I thought. The wind had blown it into the car and it dropped on my lap. Its burning hot end warming up my upper thighs. I did a crazy dance trying to get it on the ground and stomp it out. "Well look at you've done" I sad as I wipe the ashes from my jeans. "I didn't do anything, it was all you. As it has always been." she replied.

"Why are you here anyways?" I asked. "I'm not." she replied.

Maybe that wasn't a cigarette after all.

Hungry much

Would people still buy if there was a stall selling "ayam golek atas tar" if word of mouth says its good? Would it depend on whom?

Psychology during Ramadhan. Pfft. Go figure.

Horizonte

Life is a collection of how other people want you to be.

Warmth

Sometimes, putting on a brave face is the most cowardly.

Brain freeze

Sometimes your brain refuses to cooperate and freezes. Laughing at the fact that you can't even utter simple words to make a complete sentence.

I have been having a lot of that lately.

Damn it!

Contention

Sometimes when you think you're not worth it, someone just shows you why.

Sheesh..

Of hope

I've found that inspiration is hard to come by nowadays. Perhaps its becuase I'm getting older. Perhaps its because of the change I'm going through. Or even the fact that it could just be my limitation. 

Regardless, I'm praying that I am still able to create, imagine and dream. 

While I'm at it, I would also like to pray for my sanity and having the pieces fall into place. There are still a lot of question that needs answering, which I'm hoping that the answers are what I want to hear.

Its selfish I guess but I can only hope.

A day out

Bright blue as if the ocean was above

the shine of the sun piercing through

I look down and adjusted my vision

and yet I could not take away it's glow

Her hair short and straight, enough, I guess

her eyes matched the sky, the ocean

her nose not long, not short

leads to the most beautiful smile.

As I look down further

bright line shine outwards

it soons becomes hazy, dizzying

as the color fades from its beauty

I placed my hands on her shoulder

I could sense that my grip was loosening
she turned away slowly as if it was in slow motion

my hands I saw only red

dripping itself down to the earth

I felt a throbbing pain coming from my chest

a sharp edge, deep, piercing

eyes slowly rolled upwards

now on my knees as I watch pavement come

Flashing lights

then darkness soon after

the streets sang loud

"I came to this world with nothing,

and I leave with nothing but love,

Everything else is just borrowed"


I am hoping this to be a new lease and an end to something that has been attached with me for far too long. Along with a song that I would think seems to be a tarantino like choice of song.

Nokhta

Perhaps only in death will you find life.

Feedback

"So you're back for good?" asked Tom, Daisy's father. "I don't think so. I am going back as soon as everything's over." I replied. "Well you should stay here longer. Especially since you haven't been in contact with anybody for the last couple years" Tom said with a serious tone. "We'll see how everything goes then." I ended.

I didn't have much contact after I left this place trying to search for a career. I tried to find myself more than a career for the most part. Along the way the career took over. Plucking my way from obscurity to mediocrity is not an easy thing to do. I place myself deep in work perhaps more so to distance myself from this place.

As we walked past the house and onto the backyard full of colorful flowers it dawned to me as to the depth of this event. Not as if I have not been to one of these before. The large white tents fill the big empty space and yet does not outshine the flowers on display. "Its looking beautiful Tom." I said trying to break an awkward silence. "Well thanks to you" he replied. " I just gave Daisy some suggestions" I said while circling the surroundings. "You know how much she values your opinion. More reason for you to still be here after this all ends" Tom said. "I'm sure there's not much reason for me here especially with the past" I replied.

Tom had his arm on my shoulder and said "Look, that's the past. Sometimes all you can do is just be there and water the flowers and let it grow."

"Whatever it is that you're on right now, I want some."

Pukulan Hebat

Just when you thought your mentally stable coping with life, they throw you a curve ball for you to get over.

Anger Repelant

Every once in awhile you think to yourself why am I here? Injustices have been pushing every button imaginable these past months. Patience is a virtue they say. Perhaps. But sometimes its days like these when you ask yourself why.

Running Sideways

I thought about whether I am self aware of my surroundings. Whether I am in my reality and not over analyzing certain fragments of my life. It is daunting to think that with each passing days 24 hours have come and left us. They say that time flies when your having fun. I believe that saying is irrelevant nowadays. Perhaps its just me thinking that I am just here standing still while there a billions of Usain Bolts running around me. Highly unlikely even if mankind have found ways of perfect cloning. Whatever it is, here's hoping for the best.

1am?

Sebelum hari natal baru-baru ini aku menghadiri kenduri kahwin makcik aku. Sudah menjadi satu perkara normal apabila aku ditanya soalan-soalan wajib di majlis-majlis sebegini. Sudah pasti bukan soalan-soalan yang aku mahu menjawap.

Pak cik: Ni ada production team tengah cari orang untuk jadi pengacara rancangan kanak-kanak. They need a fluent speaker. Hilmi ko pergi audition la.

Aku pandang beliau fikirkan seperti cliche drunk uncle at weddings. Tapi beliau dengan muka stoic pandang kearahku seperti terfikirkan itu satu cadangan yang munasabah malah hebat daripada beliau.

Pak cik: Eh kejap, they are looking for people between 18-23 years old.

Fuck.

And they wonder how I get my dark sense of humor. Heh.

Selamat Tahun Baru.

Sad Blue Eyes

Another group therapy session that starts with a depressing comment as to why people feel the need to kill themselves. Opening up is the best therapy they say while I'll just feel like "why are you not going to kill yourself after going through your life like that". I guess that is where I need to rethink and refocus myself on the positives.

While we were sharing our life experiences, in walks a new member to the group who was transferred from another institution due to financial reasons. Long dark hair with a slender frame like someone who hasn't eaten in months looking down on the floor while filling up an empty chair. She would look up every once in awhile to show acknowledgement of any life. Finally it came for her turn to speak and she looked at everyone with sad blue eyes opening her pale looking lips.

New Girl: I'm Sandra.
Everybody in the room: Hi Sandra.
Sandra: I made a pact with my best friend to kill ourselves together.
.......................................

Sandra: I survived.

Blocks

It's been a couple months now and they have placed me here. When I say they I mean Maria. She says that its the best thing right now. How could this be any better? Being with people who had gone through the same shit as you just amplifies the fact that you had gone through that shit. I think she just thinks this is a good idea as how the world sees fit plus it gets me off her hands.

Its the beginning of another day with highly medicated therapy, the sun was out but I wouldn't have noticed it. Perhaps living like this now is how I can see myself for the next decade. Looking into a mirror I see an image of myself, or at least what is left of it. These guys around me seems to be the same. A body without a face. Aimlessly walking around trying to find answers for our own paths.

I was in my bed looking at the ceiling when Maria pops in.

Maria: Hey, how are you feeling?
Allen: I am.
Maria: Good. At least you're realizing something.
Allen: Whatever works.
................................................

We walked outside through the park making small talk. Mostly to smoke.

Maria: So you wanna tell me what happened that night?
Allen: Not much did since you guys brought me here.
Maria: We were saving you.
Allen: I didn't need saving. I was gonna die young. Living rock and roll.
Maria: Your too old to die young.
Allen: Fuck.
......................................................................................................

Payung Lutsinar

Take a deep breath and look outside to see the rain. Drenched. I guess this time of the year what more can you expect. Perhaps its just the cycle of year. Perhaps it's more than that. Regardless this is not the thing I wanted to talk about, but it made for a mellow intro. Ha ha.

Perception, illusion and assumption. All dangerous in their own way and with the now globalized world, these three words become more powerful than ever. With communication between a community a "click a way" (they say) we are becoming more and more distant even if it looks like we are closer now than then. If that made any sense at all then I am sure you might get what I will be trying to say. Ha ha.

Being a human being in this day and age especially as a generation that will steer the country forward we are no longer separated by six degrees.There seems to be pressure for everyone to be connected with one another. Although this can be seen as something positive where people are more united than ever but if the three words mention above becomes the cloud that surrounds us, it will be the crack in the armor of unity. (How cheesy is that?)

My decision not to be too involved in the technological advancement probably have separated me from many acquaintances but it has never come without reasons. People's perception of me does not bother me that much (meaning to say yes it bothers me) but don't let it be what defines me. This seems more and more like a rant. I guess it is.

Perhaps the rain has effected me more than I would admit it had.