Concealed & Caged

Do I look and think about the past? Of course. I always do, and it will never run out of my system of existence. There are lots of things that I could write about in these blank white pages but I know that deep down it will only hurt me more than anything else.

I guess, I am my own anti-therapist.

Declassified

Kepalanya berpetak dengan pixel-pixel yang semakin hari semakin kecil pembentukkannya. Beliau melihat aku dengan matanya yang kosong, tanpa emosi, tanpa pergerakan. Muka stoic nya itu membuatkan aku kurang selesa. Aku melihatnya berdiri tegak. Kesunyian sekeliling membuatkan aku keliru dengan persekitaranku. Secanggih mana pun teknologi yang tercipta manusia masih lagi tidak dapat membina cyborg yang mempunyai emosi tersendiri.

Aku telan air liur ku dalam keadaan terkejut.

Aku sebenarnya sedang melihat cermin.

Escalate

This heart is beating outside it's realm,

on the floor, dirty and weak.

It's pumping ever so slow,

and slowly deteriorating.

A gush of blood squirting all over the walls,

making out a sign of loss.

It stopped for awhile, a short while,

your hoping that it was the end.

But it was not the case,

it never was.

It expanded rapidly,

and exploded into many more bits and pieces.

Suddenly everything turns black,

as you found out that those parts belongs to you.

Hiatus

To have gone this far, only to be stopped,

is always an angry thing to have faced.

The amount of work put into it, has only liven up the desire to hurt.

To wear this mask and hold this gun,

is to be dead.

But we hope in time this would be in the past,

reminding to build the future.

Picking up the pieces

Maybe it is time to organize the words in my mind to form some proper paragraphs, or at the very least a sentence.

So, there you go.

Damn.

Karma

If your not prepared to get what you gave, then don't even think about it.

Fuck.

History

I've had my fair share of battle wounds,

some won, and some loss.

But now I don't know if I'm ready to loose this war.

I've got nothing to say, tonight.

Even if it means the sanity of my future.

Midnight Scare

In this dark place I sat mentally drained,

emotionally demolished,

physically tired.

And yet when I've tried to die,

I just wander back into that hole,

repeating it again and again.

Floating through limbo,

with nothing but anger, frustration, disbelief,

I cry in silence.

Who are you?

I just need the truth,

Who are you?

When you know you don't want it to start

Beliau memandang kepadaku dan berkata, "oh yeah, I've heard about you before. You seemed like a phat guy."

"What was that?" aku bertanya kepadanya dalam keadaan keliru.

"Don't get me wrong, phat spelled with a p-h." beliau menjelaskan.

"I heard you right, its just that I'm doubting your vocabulary right now." aku menjawap.

Kami tidak berkata apa-apa kepada masing-masing selepas itu.

Hampeh

Its just that way.

We just don't want any pizza.

Geez..

?

People ask stupid questions to get attention sometimes (or most).

Direction

I think I need a long post. Yes, need. Its been hard to focus on something specific when the world around you is chaotic. People say they write when their depress or have issues. I say fuck it. People are over analyzing situations that is more black and white than MJ ever was. Perhaps its like a high somehow. A kick if you may.

I just want it to be simplistic.

A long post.

Heh.

Exclamation mark!

Ecstatic. Even with some sore throats, loss of hearing and fatigue that even a triathlon runner would go "thats some shit", its another step from the previous platform of positives. I'm hoping for a run to catch on.

Misteri

Aku tahu yang dia tahu. Dia tahu yang aku tahu.

Aku tahu yang dia tahu aku tahu. Dia tahu yang aku tahu dia tahu.

Tapi takpe, dunia tak tahu.

Looking back

As with the previous post, it is never surprising to find more memories of sporting events lodged in my head as I embark on a sense of time travel through memories. One thing about time travel is that we want it purely because of the knowledge we gain from the experiences after the preferred time.

We want to travel back in time because of the fact that we know what would happen next. But what if when you travel back in time your in the same state of mind, soul and physically the way you were at that particular time. To me time travel is like a videotape you want to rewind. When you rewind back a story, the character never knows what will happen next. It is like their memories of the time after it was erased. This is why people always fantasized time traveling with limitations or certain regulations.

One would say "I would want to go back so and so if I had my current knowledge or physical attribute or whatever attribute that you would have at the present time." The other "flaw" of time traveling would be location. Since the earth is on an axis tilted in a way, one would not be in the same position in the past as they were in the present. Heck they could even be miles above or below ground. This is just minor details compared to more complex stuff such as stability of human atoms or the earth's aging process.

So enjoy life. Let the past be an education for the present to guide the future.

Sesi merepek hari ini habis di sini sahaja.
Sekian terima kasih.

Imej

"Have you ever wondered how the realisation of your self image reflects your social environment especially where infatuation is concern?" tanya aku.

"Ha?" jawap kawan aku yang sedang memasukkan satu blok berbentuk bulat pada tempatnya bagaikan seorang air traffic controller membimbing kapal terbang mendarat dengan selamat.

"I mean, do you, as time goes by, perceive people differently depending on how you see yourself in the eyes of that person?" sambung aku lagi.

"Ha?" jawap kawan aku dalam kebingungan.

"Say you have a rating system based purely on looks. 10 being the highest while 1 is the lowest. You meet a person that at first you think is a 10 but when you realise that in her eyes your merely a 4 do you consciously lower your ratings towards her?" aku cuba bertanya dengan bantuan contoh.

"Milo." jawap si kawan aku.

"Milo?" kini aku kekeliruan.

Tapi sebelum aku bertanya akan signifikasi milo dalam konteks perbincangan ini, aku berfikir sendirian " Why the heck am I in a day care center."

Silap orang

Orang yang bukan kawan aku berlari kearahku dan mula berkata "abang, ada 5 minit tak? Ini product bla... bla.. bla..."


Aku mendengar sebentar. Aku baik begitu. heh.


Selepas aku sedar beliau sudah mengambil lebih dari 5 minit yang telah di tetapkan ketika itu aku pon berkata, "takpe la. Saya nak pergi dulu, terima kasihla."


Beliau menjawap dengan pantas "rilex la abang, tolonglah melayu." Aku tak tipu.


Aku pelik, MLM pon ada utamakan kaum ke?


Aku menjawap "saya tidak mendifinisikan kaum."


Beliau tergamam dan lalu menyambut, aku tak tipu, "melayu mudah lupa."


Okay aku tipu, tetapi walauapapun perkataan yang boleh dituturkan selepas itu sudah pasti aku sudah bersedia dengan bitch slap. Ya, bitch slap. Tak perlu flying2 kick pon ketika berlakunya perkara ini.


Pada realitinya beliau berlari-lari cheetah kearah lain. Cheetah.

Cayalah lu!

This is going to make my blog way more personal than before. But what the heck, it's not as if people read it anyway.

Look at the red arrow I sluggishly made and just ignore the rest. Warden pon dah ade email. Dan ya, saya masih suka pada mail classic, terima kasih.

Hebat.

Shining kaplalu

"Mak engkau pernah cakap yang engkau dapat offer promotional ad," kata si kawan.
"Ya, pernah dahulu mase kecik-kecik," aku jawap.


"Kenapa kau tak ambil je, advertising banyak duit tu," kata si kawan dengan muka confident.
"Tak sesuai dengan imej aku," aku cuba memberitahu.


"Tak sesuai?" tanya si kawan.
"Ya. Ad untuk pemutihan gigi salah sebuah toothpaste company di negara ini" aku cerita lagi.


"Ha, tak ke bagus untuk imej engkau tu," si kawan menambah cakap.
"Not when its for the before pictures," aku terang kepada si kawan.


Damn it.

Hoi orang bandar

"Engkau datang sini main sorang-sorang?" kata pak cik tak dikenali.
"Yup," aku jawap.


"Berapa lubang?" bertanya si pakcik itu lagi.
"18," aku menjawap malas.


"Engkau orang pertama datang pagi-pagi ni. Tengok-tengok sikit monyet ...bla bla bla.." sambung si pak cik itu dengan kadar yang agak lama.
"Baikla," aku menjawap lagi malas.


"Engkau ni memang tak banyak cakap?" pak cik itu bertanya dalam tonasi keciwe.
"Yup," aku menjawap.


Aku basuh tangan dan membawa diriku pergi. Dalam hati 'Sial, dalam tandas pon nak berborak dengan strangers ke?'