Concealed & Caged

Do I look and think about the past? Of course. I always do, and it will never run out of my system of existence. There are lots of things that I could write about in these blank white pages but I know that deep down it will only hurt me more than anything else.

I guess, I am my own anti-therapist.

Insane notions

I've wondered why I haven't been writing (again) after all this while and until now there is no actual reason why. Perhaps its the lack of ideas and inspiration, perhaps its because of the complex or lack of complex life I live in, but whatever it is I'm not writing as much as I used to.

Living my life now and looking back at what I've done of course you would say you could have done things differently but I have never regretted the things I have done and or I haven't done (of which I am trying to reduce). Leap of faith is always needed I think. I guess I want to have a point where I go back in time and talk to my own self where I tell about my life and realize how much I have grown in a holistic nature. Just need to fix some kinks on the time machine. Maybe I need to estimate the quantum effects to lead a measurable violations of the null energy condition. But that's just a small matter. Ha ha.

If you have any idea on what it is I am trying to say, congrats. You must have a Phd. Perhaps you can tell me as I don't know myself.

When reality speaks

Aku di kedai makan yang dibuka 24 jam sehari bersama rakan seperjuangan. Kedai dipenuhi manusia-manusia berbilang bangsa dan umur. Tetapi seperti biasa mereka berumur dilingkungan awal 20-an mendominasi ruang makan ini.

Meja dan kerusi yang diperbuat daripada aluminum ini membuat aku memikirkan tentang efisyensi untuk membasuh persekitaran. Pekerja kedai makan ini sudah pon mengambil pesanan makananku. Rakanku meminta roti bakar 1set dan teh tarik. Buat masa ini aku tidak begitu pelik kerna aku hidup dengan manusia-manusia yang order seperti ini.

Aku pandang beliau dan berkata "roti je?". Hanya sebagai satu tolakan untuk menghasilkan momentum perbualan kearah yang berlainan kerna beliau bertanya tentang diriku. "A'ah, aku nak diet. Resolution aku tahun ini is to diet," beliau menjawap.

Jawapan diet itu tidak membuatkan aku terkejut, apa yang mengejutkan adalah beliau mempunyai resolusi tahunan. Aku malas mahu bertanya tentang peratusan sukses resolusi tahunan beliau sebelum ini tetapi aku boleh mendapat gambaran. Anggaran aku paling tinggi 70 peratus.

Sambil aku menghabiskan makananku beliau memandangku sambil minum teh tarik. Tiada suara yang dilontarkan ke arahku. Buat seketika dunia senyap. Beliau mengarahkan mata ke kiri dan kanan seperti budak nakal yang ingin membuat sesuatu dan melihat jikalau ada mata memandang.

Beliau mengangkat tangan dan memanggil pekerja kedai itu untuk memesan minuman. "Satu lagi teh tarik." Pekerja itu mengangguk dan berjalan menghala ke dapur. Rakanku kelihatan masih lagi kurang puas dan menjerit "nasi lemak ayam satu bang."

20 peratus.

Glaucous

I choked during the meeting. Yeah they wanted me in their label but they haven't made any concrete decision on where it was going. The contract was as if nothing happened. The only difference being that I couldn't get out there much. How could it go right? I couldn't get things in my head out for awhile during the meeting. Things just got too complicated too soon.

After the meeting called up Daisy and Mark to tell them everything like I normally do. They gave me space to talk and just nodded to most of the things that was coming out of my mouth. Which wasn't much considering what had happened. Not once was the meeting mentioned. I guess that it was no where near my mind at that moment in time, or ever. After my exhausted my time on the floor, they began to give feedback's. Now their feedback are the stuff of legends. Imagine Simon Cowell during the first few season's of AI, because, well he went all mushy after that.

After digesting everything's that has happened Mark had the terribly brilliant idea to find me a date to the wedding to show off because he had a few friends he could matched me with.I said I wasn't too sure about the idea since there was no one else after her. Plus with the fact that I immerse too much in my work to had any time for anyone else hence the fact I have only two friends still standing. He persistently insisted and I willingly obliged in the end.

I couldn't turn down a sales personnel from the fashion industry now would I? Daisy didn't just back down and also insisted with matching me up with some of her friends who, like Daisy, are also in the photography industry. If at all there was a time for me to "accidentally" shoot myself, now was the time.

Dark Grey

She started out with "Hey, how are you doing?". How was I to answer that without having a meltdown? I replied with a low volume "Fine, I guess." I haven't heard from her in a few years now. Although I thought I had been prepared for this moment, the realization that it is finally happening is, I imagine, how people feel when they get shot. By a firing squad. She began making small talk asking about my life which I didn't have much to talk about.

"I'm just calling in to talk to you about something" she then continued. I would have had an awesome comeback for these things but at the current state I was in my numb body could only go "em..". "I think you've heard by now that I'm engaged, so I'm calling to invite you to my wedding before word got out on the date and stuff. I thought it'd be appropriate for me to notify you personally before anyone else". At this moment I felt my soul left my body to try find a place to kill itself somehow, because well, that made a whole lot of sense, you know, your lifeless entity separate itself from its being and tries to kill itself. I didn't say a word for what seems like an eternity until I mustered out "oh, okay."

She then gave the details of her big day and finished with "I really hope you'll be there and it would mean so much to me if you could do a performance or something but if you can't then that's fine, I understand." What was I to say. Of course the right thing to do was decline but when your brain isn't working that well the only two syllables that could come out of my mouth was "o-kay". Okay so it was more like two alphabets but you get my point. "So great, hope to see you soon to catch up or something." she said before ending the call.

As I put back my phone into my pocket all the past memories came back to me immediately. The ones I have been trying to suppress for all this couple of years. All the good and bad lump into one long montage like the ones you see at the beginning of any series episodes to get you up to date with the story line so far. I got back into the car, stared at the long road ahead and just drove. I reached at the building where my meeting was held with a guitar in my hand and baggage in my head.

Off white

It was already 3pm. I was late. I'm always late. I've been contemplating on how unnecessary this meeting actually was but it never occurred to me to do something about it. It was a gloomy day just waiting for the clouds to be heavy enough to pour down with rain.

I was trying to put on my tie while simultaneously trying not to get killed on the road. My 78' Honda Civic still had some juice left in it or so i presume. Halfway there smoke came from the hood of the car. Struggling as I was, I managed to shift my attention to rolling down the windows to signal that I was going to steer to the roadside. It wasn't like there were other cars on the road at the time though. It was mostly just to fan away the smoke that was blinding my sight.

I stopped at the roadside to check what's happening under the hood as if I knew much about cars. The closest I got to ever becoming knowledgeable about the mechanics of the automobile was when I was pretending to be Godzilla going berserk on a generic Japanese town and accidentally broke some of the car toys. Okay so it was a couple of weeks ago, but that's not the point, the point is I had some experience with the insides of a car.

I popped open the hood and the air suddenly was filled with smoke. As I was trying to search for something that might be broken my phone rang. Fearing the worse I had already prepared a speech as to why I'm late. It was basically the plot line to those old national lampoon movies but when I took up the call it was a soft feminine voice that greeted me. This voice is too familiar to me that it took about 5 minutes to finally realize that the smoke stopped emitting out of the car. Hearing her voice was like talking to the ghost of Christmas past except that she wasn't a ghost and not much Christmas-sy.

I sat down at the curb of the road to digest the call I took. I felt like I was having panic attacks or perhaps I was having a minor stroke. My brain went hare wire as it tried to send messages for me to move my mouth and utter out anything close to a "hi".

Almost

I had two brushes with death in a span of a fortnight.

I stopped and thought to myself "Is this just a freaky incident or is my sub-conscious mind telling me to kill myself".