I've found that inspiration is hard to come by nowadays. Perhaps its becuase I'm getting older. Perhaps its because of the change I'm going through. Or even the fact that it could just be my limitation.
Regardless, I'm praying that I am still able to create, imagine and dream.
While I'm at it, I would also like to pray for my sanity and having the pieces fall into place. There are still a lot of question that needs answering, which I'm hoping that the answers are what I want to hear.
Mark sent me home after some light brunch at Daisy's. If I knew there was brunch I wouldn't have bothered with breakfast and an awkward conversation with a stranger.
This was my home. The place I grew up. As obvious as it was, it never felt that way. I was greeted by my mom who immediately felt like she had to feed me and asking as to whether I'm eating enough. Mothers.
It would be awhile before I could familiarise myself with the space that was my room. It hadn't changed much since the day I left. Mothers.
She started some small talk about the wedding. I only answered in one liners. Typical.
I then proceeded to stay in my room and just listen to Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, because, well, can you go wrong with any of their catalogs? Typical.
As I lay on my bed listening to John, Paul, George and Ringo, I pictured how we were not too long ago. Of optimistic enthusiasm thinking how we could change the world. Youthful ignorance they say. Hey, ignorance is bliss.
"So you're back for good?" asked Tom, Daisy's father. "I don't think so. I am going back as soon as everything's over." I replied. "Well you should stay here longer. Especially since you haven't been in contact with anybody for the last couple years" Tom said with a serious tone. "We'll see how everything goes then." I ended.
I didn't have much contact after I left this place trying to search for a career. I tried to find myself more than a career for the most part. Along the way the career took over. Plucking my way from obscurity to mediocrity is not an easy thing to do. I place myself deep in work perhaps more so to distance myself from this place.
As we walked past the house and onto the backyard full of colorful flowers it dawned to me as to the depth of this event. Not as if I have not been to one of these before. The large white tents fill the big empty space and yet does not outshine the flowers on display. "Its looking beautiful Tom." I said trying to break an awkward silence. "Well thanks to you" he replied. " I just gave Daisy some suggestions" I said while circling the surroundings. "You know how much she values your opinion. More reason for you to still be here after this all ends" Tom said. "I'm sure there's not much reason for me here especially with the past" I replied.
Tom had his arm on my shoulder and said "Look, that's the past. Sometimes all you can do is just be there and water the flowers and let it grow."
"Whatever it is that you're on right now, I want some."
All three of us are now inside Mark's brand new Japanese made car that perhaps lack that bit of character as most new car do. Mark has always been one to indulge on the latest things that mankind, or should I put it "globalization", has to offer. These roads, however newly paved they are, can never get away from its familiarity. It seems like I've never left at all.
"We're going to Daisy's first" Mark turned and said. "You should watch the road, and why?" I replied. Daisy intervened saying "You know how my dad loves you. He would like to see you when you've arrived. Heck he loves you more than my brother." "That's what I was afraid of" I sighed. The next few minutes just became this silent passing of nature through the automated window. Not for the lack of conversational item, we always seem to have that innate sense of when to talk and when to just to enjoy the silence of each other.
When we got to Daisy's house there was his dad already outside just watering the lily that's been growing in their lawn for ever since I could remember. I go up and say hi thinking that he'll probably start by giving me lectures on how to grow lilies. Which sure enough he does. Talking about the portions of watering needed and how to talk to them while watering. Not that I wasn't interested, its just that somehow he would forget every time I meet him that he talks about this all the time and only after giving the lecture would he talk about other things.
The coolness of the breeze is a good way to start my morning breakfast at this quite little restaurant. The warmth you get from familiarity. With a hot cuppa, I start digging into the highly unhealthy nasi lemak. Basic in its amenities, its no frills approach has never bothered me especially since it has felt like ages since the last time I ate something homey.
A balding middle aged man walked into the empty restaurant and sat right in front of me. With his pencil thin mustache and thinner lips, he gave a slight smile while managing to pull up his hand to give a semi wave. "Even though this would be considered as a small restaurant but with at least hundreds of other chairs and table, or so it seemed, why did he had to choose one in front of me?", I thought to myself while trying to conjure up something similar to a smile.
"I have never seen you around before? Are you new around this area?" the man asked. This, I thought, is where my multitasking skill is put to the test. "Yeah I guess. Waiting for friends." I replied. "Just nod and smile god-dammit!" I was thinking to myself. This bore-fest might take awhile. All this done with my phone on the other hand texting "Where are u guys?!!!!!!". This guy can go on and on talking. Finally a reply was received, "15 more minutes" which I replied myself by saying "u said that half an hour ago....". This is not looking good. Its probably how POW's feel like while getting interrogated.
After probably 15 minutes worth of nodding and smiling the man finally caved and went quite. Mental victory!!! Membrane high-fives!! After finishing my breakfast I was ready to head out when I heard a familiar laugh. A slight hyena like laugh or was the lion king not a documentary? There he was at the table outside having a fag with Daisy trying not to show any sense of how hard they were laughing.
"Where were you guys? How long have you guys been here?". Mark casually answered back while puffing out smokes "about 20 minutes ago." I was infuriated. "Why didn't you guys come in? Don't you know how I hate social interactions with gleeful human beings?? I think its my face, I need to have that " I'm gonna slit your throat face".
They both replied simultaneously "of course we do".
Every once in awhile you think to yourself why am I here? Injustices have been pushing every button imaginable these past months. Patience is a virtue they say. Perhaps. But sometimes its days like these when you ask yourself why.
I thought about whether I am self aware of my surroundings. Whether I am in my reality and not over analyzing certain fragments of my life. It is daunting to think that with each passing days 24 hours have come and left us. They say that time flies when your having fun. I believe that saying is irrelevant nowadays. Perhaps its just me thinking that I am just here standing still while there a billions of Usain Bolts running around me. Highly unlikely even if mankind have found ways of perfect cloning. Whatever it is, here's hoping for the best.
Sebelum hari natal baru-baru ini aku menghadiri kenduri kahwin makcik aku. Sudah menjadi satu perkara normal apabila aku ditanya soalan-soalan wajib di majlis-majlis sebegini. Sudah pasti bukan soalan-soalan yang aku mahu menjawap.
Pak cik: Ni ada production team tengah cari orang untuk jadi pengacara rancangan kanak-kanak. They need a fluent speaker. Hilmi ko pergi audition la.
Aku pandang beliau fikirkan seperti cliche drunk uncle at weddings. Tapi beliau dengan muka stoic pandang kearahku seperti terfikirkan itu satu cadangan yang munasabah malah hebat daripada beliau.
Pak cik: Eh kejap, they are looking for people between 18-23 years old.
And they wonder how I get my dark sense of humor. Heh.